Healing can get pretty messy at times…

Well hello you amazing being, you.  With your full potential.  With all your faults, with all the great things you bring to this earth.  Today’s blog is about being okay feeling human.

When I share my story, sometimes I say key words such as, “Every master was once a disaster.”  Or…”Let your mess become your message.”  Or even “There is no testimony without a test.”

Well, today’s journal entry starts with…

“I am the master of my disaster.”  I hate to write this but my reality is not quite showing the miracles I manifested before, at least not that fast.  I’m confused, scared, and parts of me want to quit.  Other parts of me keep going,  inspired and grateful to find a new level of strength and a higher version of me, with new gifts coming from this pause.

God has gifted me with this journey for a reason.

And I’m ready.  For whatever comes next.

It may not be wrapped with a perfect bow and gold foil, but regardless, it will be my miracle.

Last night I looked and felt inside my jaw, and still felt the tumor.  Feelings of fear come in, scared to take and face my X-rays next month.  What if nothing improves?  What if things get worse?  I have these tough feelings in my stomach.  Fear.  Anxiety.  They are very loud today.  I question myself.  Sorrow comes along.  Anguish.  Oh boy how I love you all.  Feelings.   I once read a book called “Feelings Buried Alive.”  Have you ever experienced emotions and pushed them in instead of allowing them to play the course?  I battle to keep my heart open through this and allow the emotions to flow, rather than push them in and bury them, which just causes more illness.

Did I do something wrong?  Did I eat too much sugar?  I hardly eat it and I eat the healthier kind…but the King of doubt sure pays me a visit and the Queen of beating myself up shows up…

I start to wonder.  Did I eat too much unhealthy food while on the road?  Did I overwhelm myself too much?  Did I take on too many projects?  Did I do too much — or not enough?  And cause myself too much stress? Did I not do enough of that — but too much of this –?

Have you ever found yourself there?  One judgement and doubt invites others in and all of the sudden a pity party starts…creating an emotional rollercoaster and tears come down my eyes…then I remember I am doing what we call “the toilet flush” when one negative thought starts bringing another and another and another…and before you know it, you’re swimming in dark emotions and can’t seem to find your way out.

More questions than answers come in…how could I have claimed my miracle last year but now regressed?  What did I do or did not do?  Self doubt continues to walk in.  In that moment, my years of dedication to personal and spiritual growth walk out.

And then a hint of inspiration walks in.  Because I pause the toilet flush and ask:  “Where’s the gift?”  I have this question in my calendar as a daily task/event so it will constantly remind me to unflush my mental toilet and reverse negative thinking into blessings and lessons…

Where’s the gift in any chaos or tough situation you encounter?  Type your thoughts under the comments, I’m curious to know what gifts you have received from tough situations…your gifts will help others…and bless me in the process too…

And when that hint of inspiration walks in, a strong remembrance shows up.  That it’s all in perfect alignment with the highest and best good for my soul.  That this universe is so perfect and balanced that my Creator would never abandon me.  And that I am a spiritual being having a human experience on this planet.

The world “human” resonates in my heart.  It resonates because I remember it’s okay to be human.  And feel the fear.  And experience those emotions.

Inspiration and guidance always walk in next.

You are going through this because there’s a gift, a lesson and a blessing in it for you, and the world you live in.

You, becoming a stronger human through this, can bless more along the way as you conquer these challenges.

You, becoming a stronger woman, can empower more women along their journey.

You, becoming a stronger person, can flow more abundance into the world, if you have experienced the polarity of both sides of the equation:  crisis and miracles.

Your being human is what makes you great.

Your challenge is what brings your gift.

Your self love is what continues the healing to come in and creates your fate.

Yes, it’s time to let your mess become your message.

And yes, it’s messy.  It’s chaotic. It’s fiery.  But it’s you.  And one day —  you will laugh and share with others, how one day too their mess will become their message.